Dear Sports Announcer, I am embarrassed to admit this, but lately I’ve been having trouble, you know, keeping the pilot light lit. Even five years ago, this never would have happened. I was a real stallion, metaphorically speaking. Now I feel more like my little pony. My wife says it’s no big deal, which makes…
Tag: life
Infinite Confidence
Todd Park was tired. Not from lack of sleep, although he had tossed and turned all night. He was tired of his job. He didn’t know what he wanted to do, but he knew he had to do something else. His real name wasn’t Todd either, it was Myung-Dae, but Todd was much easier, and…
Dear Advice
DEAR SOUND TECHNICIAN: I am a happily married man in my early 40’s. My wife and I have always had fun together no matter what we did, but lately it has been getting harder to satisfy her in the bedroom. She says it’s not me, and although I am losing a bit of my hair,…
Feng Shuing!
by Loren Jersey A new reality show is taking the nation by storm. Competitive Feng Shui has got everybody talking. The show begins with three identical stage rooms, each with several articles of furniture, plants, small sculptures and paintings just outside the rooms. Contestants are given 10 minutes to arrange the rooms for a specific…
How to Drive Like a Dick
Welcome to part three of my series on driving. At this point you have hopefully learned what set of rules city drivers are operating under, and why so many of them are idiots . You are now ready to study the penultimate level of driving prowess: the Dick. To drive like a dick is to be…
How to Drive Like an Idiot
There’s nothing so easy as driving like an idiot, and there’s no better teacher than driving in a big city. Idiots abound, and observing and imitating them is the the surest way to be labeled an idiot yourself. However, if you do not live in a big city, you may not have the luxury of…
How I lost My First Z
As a young boy I never had much interest in cars. I remember being amazed at how easily my brother could rattle off the make, model and year of any old vehicle we passed on our many road trips. They all looked the same to me. When I got my first car, a rusty old…
The Tax Man Cometh
by Erk 4/1/08 The day is almost here, and if you are of the US Citizen persuasion, and happen to be employed or retired, you fall into one of two categories: done or not done. The done folk mock the not done folk, saying “I did my taxes on New Year’s Day! We used our tax…
Stuff My Junk Likes
Baby, you know I love you more than anything. You know that I would go anywhere, do anything, and spend whatever I have to make you happy, but I have got to tell you that my junk does not like what we are doing right now.
Rules for Driving in Chicago
by Erk I grew up in a small town of about 14,000 in the middle of nowhere. It was’t a suburb of anything. Our neighborhood had stop signs. There were no turn lanes; in fact, there were no lanes at all. Some of you might call it uncivilized, even barbaric, but it was home. Later…