How to Drive Like an Idiot

There’s nothing so easy as driving like an idiot, and there’s no better teacher than driving in a big city.  Idiots abound, and observing and imitating them is the the surest way to be labeled an idiot yourself.  However, if you do not live in a big city, you may not have the luxury of observing multitudes of idiots in a single day, and training to be an idiot may take you years as a result.  Fortunately for you I have compiled a short list of guidelines for driving like an idiot; follow these, and people will be yelling, honking and cursing at you in no time!

1. Swerve left to turn right.  The smaller your vehicle, and the slower you are going, the more you should swerve out to the left when turning right.  Swerving when there is a vehicle next to you is almost sure to elicit some angry honking.  This also works when turning left, but you have to remember then to swerve to the RIGHT.  This little saying will help: “lefty-righty, righty-lefty.”  I bet you feel dumber already!
2. Slow down after passing.  If you remember rule 11 from Rules for Driving in Chicago, passing people is a necessity if you do not want to be  a pussy, but the trick to being labeled an idiot is to subsequently slow down.  Act like you are looking for a specific street.  Point and look ocassionally to the left or right as you continue.  If you have a map in the car, periodically wave it about.
3. Obey EVERY stoplight.  This one may need some explaining, and I have a real life example.  I was driving west on Main street when I came to a stoplight about to turn red.  I stopped and watched the northbound traffic waiting for their green light, just in case there were any idiots.  A small delivery truck was the only vehicle, and he wanted to turn left.   When his light changed he slowly pulled out into the intersection and nearly finished his turn when he stopped again.  It took me a few seconds to figure out why.  I thought maybe he had gone the wrong way, but the truth is he was a shining example of an idiot.  You see, in most of the Chicago suburbs, there are stoplights at all 4 corners of the intersection, and seeing the red light in front of him, even though it was for me, he just had to stop.  He actually waited there until it turned green.
4. Jump the gun.  The drive to get ahead, to be the top dog, is overpowering…  especially if you’re an idiot.  the next time you are at a light, and you are first in line, doing the creeping thing, watch the other lights.  It doesn’t matter which ones; just watch lights other than your own.  If you’re going straight, watch for the green or yellow arrows, if you’re turning, watch for the other street’s yellow. When you see that light, gun it.  Chances are that unless you meet up with someone else doing the same thing, you’ll get through the intersection intact.  Everyone will be temporarily stunned by your stupidity.  I actually watched a red ford explorer do this today.  I was second in line.  When the turn arrow changed to yellow, he drove straight right through the intersection.  I didn’t get a green light until 5 seconds later.  Two people honked their horns, but the rest of us just shook our heads in amazement at his stunning stuipidity.
5. Make WIDE turns.  For those of you who do not drive tractor-trailers, doing this would definitely qualify you as an idiot.  most of the streets around here are two lanes each way, with a third merging lane added in at the intersections.  Turn left all the way into that right-most lane.  Don’t even do it fast; make it completely unnecessary.  Then, for even more monumental idiocy, swtich lanes and/or make another left turn soon.  This move can be easily adapted for right turns, but by this stage you may need a 4 year old to help you out with the directions. 
6. Drive 45mph.  On my way to work every day I encounter at least one idiot doing this.  I take local roads to work, with speed limits ranging from 25mph to 45mph, and every day there is someone desperate to go much faster than I in every zone but the 45mph.  She’ll be riding my ass on the 25mph two lane roads by my house, so that all I can see are headlights and a bit of grill.  When the speed limit changes to 45, she switches lanes and pulls ahead of me, because her SUV has more liters, hp, torque, and gas guzzling power than my dinky little 1.5 liter honda.  But then a strange thing happens. Once she reaches 45mph, or sometimes a little less, she quits accelerating, and I eventually pass her.  She’s got me calling her an idiot, and it takes a lot to get me to start labeling people. (cough)
7. Swerve for shadows.  The roads here are full of potholes and cold patches.  I guess people get a little jumpy and start swerving to avoid anything that looks different on the road.  The funny thing about it is that if you do it, the car behind you will probably do it.   When he realizes he just swerved for a shadow, he’ll be cursing you for making him look like an idiot.
8. Read.  Nothing says “I am a driving god, and I need only a fraction of my enormous brain power to navigate this simple route.” like reading a newspaper or a book while driving.  While lesser beings are fretting and worrying about the narrowing lanes in the construction zone, the overconfident reader is preparing to hoist a foot up onto the dash to get a little more comfortable.  It is the epitome of arrogance, the height of presumption, and practically the stupidest thing I see on the road each day. 
9. Do your makeup.  Like reading, this activity requires a little more of your visual attention than you might think.  Sure it’s easy, and yes perhaps you could put your makeup on in your sleep.  But please don’t.  Make sure you brake early and often during this process.  Swerve a little over the lines, and constantly re-adjust your mirror.  this is sure to illicit cries of “Idiot” from the drivers around you.  If you are a guy and don’t use makeup, try shaving.  It may not require looking in the mirror as often, but you can still drive irratically.
10. Eat.  I’m not suggesting you eat spaghetti, that could be dangerous, especially if the sauce is really hot.  But a little creativity can let your idiocy shine.  I once saw a young man eating a pizza from his back seat.  He had to twist halfway around to grab a slice, take a bite and put it back.  Then he had to twist back around and check to make sure he hadn’t hit anyone.  His windshield was dirty so he’d crane his neck way out his window to see how close he was to the next car.  Then he’d go get another bite of pizza.
11. Fail at parallel parking.  Nothing will get poeple in a big city to call you an idiot faster than failing miserably at parallel parking.  City folk pride themselves on their ability to parallel park.  I once found myself calling a friend over to observe a young woman failing miserably at it.  You don’t even need to obsruct traffic while doing it; just turn your wheel too early or too hard so your rear tire bumps the curb.  Then instead of starting over, sit there trying to correct your mistake by inching back and forth.

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