The day is almost here, and if you are of the US Citizen persuasion, and happen to be employed or retired, you fall into one of two categories: done or not done. The done folk mock the not done folk, saying “I did my taxes on New Year’s Day! We used our tax return to go to Hawaii in February while you where complaining about that big snow storm. Boy, you are an idiot.” I quietly put up with the ridicule every year, and then I wait until at least February again the next year to begin my taxes. This year I started later than usual, mostly due to home improvement projects that needed my attention. Why, oh why, do I procrastinate so? Why do I torture myself by putting off the inevitable?
I have no answer to those questions. I can’t answer those questions because I am not procrastinating; I am not worried, and I am not dreading filing my taxes. Don’t believe me? Why are you wasting your super powers here? Go! Use your power to read minds to save the world! No, really, taxes don’t bother me. Why? Because my goal each year is not to get a big fat check from the IRS. That’s right, my goal is to owe money each April. I want to wait till the last possible moment to give them what I owe them. Why? Because I like to earn interest on their money.
Why would I not want a big fat check from the IRS? Tell me, do you feel like you are ‘sticking it to the man’ when you file a return that says you get $4000 back? Don’t tell me, you don’t trust banks either, and you put your cash in coffee cans and bury it around the yard. Do you also wear an aluminum foil helmet at night? Sorry, I got carried away. Where was I? Oh yeah, read this next sentence very carefully. If you don’t give the money to the IRS, you can put it in a bank and earn interest on it, or you can spend it if you are so inclined. If it didn’t make sense, read it again a little slower. Not impressed with 2.75% interest? Fine. Give the money to me. I’ll collect the interest, and then I’ll give your money back in February when you want to take your trip to Hawaii. You won’t get to feel like you are sticking it to the man, but you’ll still get your big fat check.
As for the ‘sticking it to the man’ notion, how in the world does giving the government extra money throughout the year, then asking for it back in February qualify? If that is your idea of sticking it to someone, then where do I sign up? I want to be on your blacklist in the worst way! Free money all year round! Oh, but then I have to give it back a year later. Oh no! How cruel! You really showed me! All I have now is the interest I earned on your money! Whah, whah, whah!
If you really wanted to stick it to the IRS, you would pay them NOTHING through the entire year, and then finally, in April of the next year you’d cut them their long-awaited check, or even worse, file for an extension, and pay them in August. Now that would be ‘sticking it to the man!’
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