by Loren Jersey
A new reality show is taking the nation by storm. Competitive Feng Shui has got everybody talking. The show begins with three identical stage rooms, each with several articles of furniture, plants, small sculptures and paintings just outside the rooms. Contestants are given 10 minutes to arrange the rooms for a specific purpose, in an attempt to maximize the calming unimpeded Chi-flowing effects. Rooms are judged by Feng Shui masters and also scientifically, by measuring blood pressure, heart rate, social status, net monetary worth and standardized test scores in each of the room layouts.
The show’s creators are hoping that the show will inject some much needed excitement into the home decor market, stimulating sales of new furniture as well as objects of art. “Yeah, I think people are going to learn a lot from this show,” said co-creator Alan Woodtowe, “I mean the judges we have are great at explaining what works and what doesn’t, and you get to see it happen right there in front of you, so it’s not as abstract as a book.” As the show progresses, articles are removed from each room’s inventory, and contestants are forced to steal items from outside other rooms to complete their masterpiece.
Already, other cable networks are creating knock-offs in their own flavor. “Feng Sha-wizzle” claims that unlike their commercial cousins, they have truly altruistic motives in mind. “We travel the country making a difference for the less fortunate.” Said the show’s producer Jalawrence LaBlonde, “By improving their living conditions, we are improving their lives. And it’s not just giving them a new TV, cuz what we do allows them to better themselves. It improves all aspects of their lives.”
Jalawrence claims that after just three shows, the evidence is substantial. “Latwisha Roosevelt is our best example so far.” He said “She had no job, and was about to get evicted from her apartment. In the 8 weeks since we filmed that episode, she has got a job making $30K, is in a stable relationship, and is talking about fighting to get her three children back from the state! Now that is really helping people!”
Although the show does seem to be helping people, there is a dark side to Feng Shui. Naban Aramon, who claims his home in Florida was redecorated in March, is suing LaBlonde, claiming that his life has been ruined by improper Feng Shui. His attorney told us that Naban has been undergoing therapy for acute depression, and that he has as a result lost his girlfriend, and was fired from the Hot-n-Now. Apparently even after attempting to restore his apartment to its former state, the depression persisted. LaBlonde was unable to comment on the incident, citing the pending litigation.
All of this spells an exciting television season for those of us who love arranging furniture; and who doesn’t love that?