2,733,690 Un-Funny Blogs, and Growing

by Loren Jersey

As of today, there are 2,733,690 terribly un-funny blogs on WordPress.com, and all data point to that number increasing in the future.  In the past 18 hours bloggers have added 114,364 new un-funny posts to their drab, humorless blogs.  These posts, sadly, centered too often on various hygiene issues, and boys we like.  Well, I personally read each one of them and condensed them into this handy table.  Let’s take a quick look at the breakdown:

• 16018 posts, or 14%, related to clinical studies on topics ranging from the effects of dandruff shampoo on vole sperm viability, to tips for dealing with that not so fresh feeling in the midst of a global conflict.  Enough with the not so fresh talk already!

• 14873 posts, or 13%,  expounding on various mundane details and minutia from the lives of celebrities.  Featured among the top references were David Copperfield, Brittney Spears, Orlando Bloom, Brad Pitt, Paul Walker, Josh Hartnett and Matthew McConaughey.
•  11445 posts, or 10%, related to Hillary Clinton’s claim that ‘sniper fire’ was a euphemism, which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.  There is nothing mild or subtle about sniper fire.
• 10293 posts, or ~9%, were derivative posts such as “Stuff Educated Black Men Like”, “Things Enjoyed by Ornithologists Who Fear Flying”, and “Stuff my Junk Likes”.  Trite, convoluted, and disgusting.  In that order.
• 9961 posts, or ~9%, were re-posts of articles concerning the recent release of patches for PS3 games.  Doesn’t anybody check Sony’s website?  Or is this just a ploy to get readers?  Hmm, I’ll post an article that just paraphrases a press release, and people who don’t know better, and only get their news from blogs will read it, giving me like 100,000 hits!
• 8941 posts, or 8%, were about never never land – the creepy,  Michael Jackson never never land.  It took me 5 minutes just to remember what the heck never never land was.  And I could have sworn I heard that Michael Jackson died like 6 months ago. Oh well.
• 8263 posts, or 7%, were about Dancing with the Stars, and how the booting of Penn Jillette, and Monica Seles was so in line with everyone’s opinion.  Oh they are so relieved it was not someone else.  And of course this matters because it is reality, and not a scripted show like those losers who blog all day about “One Tree Hill”.
• 6653 posts, or 6%, seemed to be discussing how coincidental it was that during the writer’s guild strike, everyone’s diet was working really well, and for some reason, now that the strike is over, it is barely working again, and they are all considering quitting.
• 5710 posts, or 5%, were step by step critiques of the dances in the last “Dancing With the Stars” episode.
• 4972 posts, or ~4%, were from a radical Shiite muslim blogger group, who somehow received “Author” status and simultaneously posted very anti-western propaganda, deriding America for their laziness and Satan worship.  They also claimed that American Idol contestant David Cook was a plant of theirs, and that he would never allow Danny Noriega to get to the finals.
• 4492 posts, or ~4%, centered around the Apprentice, and how it has impacted business models around the globe.
• 3123 posts, or 3%, were actually advertisements from companies like capitalgoldresearch urging readers to purchase platinum, because the price is at an all time low.
  2201 posts, or 2%, were first time bloggers’ initial post, all bright and cheery, telling the world how difficult it was to begin opening up like this and baring one’s soul to the world.  Look for pix soon!
• 1787 posts, or 2%, were first time bloggers’ posts of a different kind.  They are cryptic and depressing, referrencing Marilyn Manson, animal mutilation and Puscifer.  Their theme of choice was all black, with blood-red art – not easy on the eyes –hint, hint.
• 1295 posts, or 1%, were accidentally published with very little or no text.  The best one was entitled “Nano-Machines something Future”, and read “This is nto going to be eeessd;f    garbage toiletlllllll f termiite nano           phil colllfin farrilf catrsssssss               jf    rtnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa [for 65 pages]”  I think the author must have fallen asleep while typing it.
• 1103 posts, or <1%, were very angry posts about how the authors could not figure out how to get their posts to appear on their blogs.  Having read each of them, I can say that I wish that none of them had figured it out.
• 1032 posts, or <1%, were miscellaneous number one articles throughout the day, like “Can Hillary has Hotdog?” and “I can has Obama burger?”
• 908 posts, or <1%, actually transported me through a wormhole to an alternate dimension where people spent time listening to experts, discussing the facts with each other, and then making an informed decision.  It was like opposite-land; very disturbing. 
• 776 posts, or <1%. Did you know that anti-semitism among feminists is not plain old anti-semitism?  Well, I guess you learned something.  Nobody has a name for it yet, but it apparently needs one.  These posts did not propose any solutions to the root cause, but wasted many pages discussing the label issue, and how to heighten awareness of this important distinction.
• 516 posts, or <<1% are reposted articles at blogs with titles like “Increase your blog traffic”.  If you click on one, you’ve just learned whose traffic that post was really about.
• 2 posts, or <<1% are new articles at “Stuff White People Like”.  Cant’ get enough of that guy, maybe because I’m white.

Here’s hoping that your blog is not on this list.  Chances are that if you blog on wordpress, you won’t be reading this post anyway.