by Dr. Love
Cutting people off, shouting obscenities, crude gestures, shootings; these are all the horrible offspring of that evil monster called road rage. It is such an epidemic problem that I am appalled nothing is being done about it. Well I have the solution, and no, little miss-road-rage, it does not involve “killing all the jerks cluttering up your racetrack.” Nor does it involve expensive and often ineffective lobotomies, so just be quiet and listen to this.
My idea is so revolutionary, and so radical that it may shock you. It’s the pimpjuice! It will make driving a joy once again, even for ugly people. I first came up with this idea one evening while I was driving a very sexy babe back to my apartment. We had been drinking and dancing at Level for hours, and it was time to move things to a more intimate setting. Well, she was a little too eager for the twinkie with the filling if you get my meaning, and didn’t wait till we had gotten out of the parking ramp before she was all over me.
Then this bluebird in a BMW M5 starts flashing his lights at me. I can’t move any faster, and there is no room for me to move over, so I just wave to him. He finally gets around me and slams on his brakes. I almost hit him. He shouted something obscene and racist and took off. What surprised me was that I wasn’t angry, I actually felt sorry for him. He was a slave to his anger, he was consumed by his hatred of driving. I was modulating, and there was no way anybody was going to make me do anything but enjoy my drive. And that’s when it clicked; If everybody could be getting brain while driving, there’d be no road rage. People would drive slower, on purpose. I mean what’s the hurry when you’re practically twurkin in your car?
So here’s the idea, because I know not everybody can get action like me. We need a virtual ho, with hologram faces so it can look like anybody. With one of these in every car, road rage would be a thing of the past, forgotten. I figure we could call it a head unit or something snazzy like that.