by Loren Jersey
March 10, 2008
Sex used to be the only thing on the minds of teenagers, and as far as males are concerned, sex occupied at least 99% of their imaginations from the ages of 12 on. Sure there have been fads, and crazes (Abstinence, “Say ‘NO!’ to ho’s”, AIDS), but until this century, there has been nothing capable of toppling sex from its number one position. “Quite the contrary,” says Dr. Marge Hickfuss of the Sex Institute, “Most everything that has been introduced either as a substitute, or as a deterrent has backfired or had no effect at all.” That is until the introduction of Guitar Hero. “Video games have always had such a small demographic compared to sex” explains Dr. Seymour Goulch, author of “Visual Cortex Stimulation and Stimulus Intensity in the Olfactory Sensory Neuron”, “that it was never of any real interest to my research. But now that these video games are reaching wider audiences, I have begun to observe their effects upon specific pheromone receptors, and the findings are surprising and a little disconcerting.”
Scientists used to think that playing video games either made people unattractive to the opposite sex, or that sexually undesirable people gravitated toward video games as a form of escapism. Dr Goulch’s findings indicate that what is actually happening is that playing video games “reduces the coding intensity of the pheromones. It’s like a clothespin on the nose of your libido”. Not only that, but the effects last several hours after game play has ceased, and seem to grow progressively longer with prolonged game exposure. “It’s as if there is a substitution taking place, the mechanism of which we are not yet aware.”
One thing is for certain though, if this trend continues, long-time players of video games may lose all interest in sex. When asked if this might cause society to crumble, Dr. Goulch reassured me that “fortunately, the sex drive of many will be replaced by the video-game drive, keeping society running rather as it was before. ”
What concerns Dr Goulch and his team is that a marked reduction in sex-drive could have disastrous effects on population growth, to the extent that within 30 years there may be no work force to speak of.
A quick look at he past 6 years reveals a disturbing trend.
- Halo: Combat Evolved November 15, 2001
At this point sex is still number one on the minds of teens, but teen pregnancies drop by 47%
- Halo 2 November 9, 2004
Major cultural impact – the Master Chief is iconic, and celibate.
Sex drops to number 2.
- Guitar Hero November 8, 2005
Sex drops to number 4 as playing video games suddenly becomes ‘cool’ with non-geeks.
- Guitar Hero II, November 7, 2006
Sex drops to number 5
- Guitar Hero Encore, July 24, 2007
not received well among the younger crowd, but encroached on the older generation’s sex-lives
Sex begins to drop with the older generation.
Sex drops to number 6
- Halo 3 September 25, 2007
Sex plummets from number 6 to number 8
- Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock October 28, 2007 –
again not as good as 1 or 2
Sex holds steady at 8
- Guitar Hero Aerosmith June 29, 2008
Will this be the beginning of the end?
Will our society fall for a lack of workers? Will illegal aliens save us by taking our places in factories and the food service industry? Or will we shrug off this monkey that is the video game, and get back in the sack?