March 30, 1998
Intel Corporation announced today that it is closing down its operations for good, including its production and research facilities. Market researchers said, “This is in response to the Power Mac G3 from Apple. The entire Intel business is shutting down.”Intel’s chairman confirmed the news. “The Power Mac G3 is so much faster than a Pentium II system. Up to twice as fast! We can never even hope to catch up.”
Intel is forfeiting it’s 97% of the CPU market. Although Apple only has approximately 0.003 percent of the market, it is expected to possibly double that over the next five years.
Intel’s chairman confirmed the news. “There’s no way we can compete against the Apple juggernaut. We’re closing down all operations immediately. All of us are out of a job. Most of us will try to get a job at Apple. Those that can’t will have to make a living designing internet web pages or working at McDonalds.”
The chairman of McDonalds replied to this news positively: “Yes, we could certainly use some people with PHD’s in the latest microprocessor IC design for our fries operations.”
Intel was forced to slaughter it’s “Bunny People”, the people in the “clean room” suits on it’s latest commercials, though reportedly one of them had already obtained a job at Apple.
Intel’s chairman was also quoted as saying, “We expect AMD to follow our lead shortly. Cyrix will hold out for a little while, but eventually they will be swallowed up as well.”