Son, I have appendicitis, and it is slowly killing me. The doctors say that I have at most two weeks to live. My appendix is inflamed and will eventually burst, flooding the nearby tissue with dangerous bacteria. There is nothing they can do. Well, there are radical ‘surgeries’, and medications I can take, like prescription antibiotics, but the chances of those actually curing my appendicitis are, well, let’s just say they’re not exactly 100%.
Don’t cry, I’ve lived a good long life, and in these 39 years, I have seen most everything I ever wanted to see. Sure I didn’t get to see the world, or any other country, but I traveled across three states, and I’ve seen the county fair probably 20 times. Remember that restaurant that looked like a fish? We never ate there, but driving past it was something I’ll never forget. You said “Hey dad, that restaurant looks like a big fish.” And I said it sure does,kid! And remember the episode of “The Simpsons” where Bart gets emancipated from his parents? It brought us closer together than we ever were before. Until now, that is.
And I’ve done just about everything a man can do as well. Remember that time we went to the arcade and I played that hunting game with you, and I shot that 12 point buck? I sure am glad it wasn’t real; your mother would have been so upset. And remember when you said I couldn’t make that light, and I said you watch, and I did, just barely? Whoo! Yeah, I’ve lived on the edge, but I’ve always kept my family priority number one.
That’s why we’re having this talk now. You’re going to be the man of the house, at least until your mother finds a boyfriend. So, you need to know a few things; things that I had to learn the hard way, and some secrets to make life easier. First of all, the remote for the Tivo has a button to turn the TV on. It’s worn off, so you can’t read it, but it’s there right below the instant replay button, which is also worn off. Second, there’s emergency beer in the toilet tank, and in the sump, for when the power goes out, or when the sump pump needs work. The beer in the toilet tank serves a dual purpose in that it also reduces our water bill. Don’t drink it until you’re 21, and replace what you drink. Third, it’s best to just throw expired lunch meat away. The price you would pay for eating it is too high son, much too high. Don’t defy me on this! Respect the advice of your father that you may live explosive diarrhea free. Also, apparently fish is not meat. I don’t know how the hell they came up with this stupid idea, but apparently the muscles of a fish are some sort of vegetable or possibly a fruit, but they are NOT meat.
Finally my son, it’s time you knew the terrible truth. There is no Santa Claus.
“I know daddy,” cries the boy. “I knew it was you all along.”
Well, actually it was your mother. Anyway, that’s about all you can learn from me. It’s time for you to carry the torch. Go bravely into that dark future, my son.