Feds Crack Down on Spam

by Loren Jersey

US Authorities announced Tuesday they had completely obliterated spam. “Well, we made a dent in it at least for the short term” said FTC regional director Steve Berkowicz.

Yes, you can rest assured that your inbox will be free of spam now that the FTC has broken the last and one of the largest spam rings in the world. “Now hold on just a minute there” interrupted director Berkowicz with a slightly sexy note of authority in his voice. “I didn’t say this was the last spam ring, or even that it was one of the largest.  I mean yes it was one of the largest, that part was right.” 

Regardless, email users may be dismayed to discover that without spam, their inboxes will be quite empty.  FTC analysts have over the years gathered data which show that 99.9999999% of all email traffic is spam, which means that only 1 in 1 billion emails is legitimate. “That’s not true either” countered Steve becoming visibly agitated.  He runs his fingers through his hair, not sure whether he regrets agreeing to the interview, but determined to stand firm, unbending, turgid even. “Spam accounts for more like 50% of emails, with junk mail from legitimates sources consuming the next 48%”

Well, at least we can all agree that after these spammers have been shot, peace will certainly reign the world over once again.   “Well, it will make things – What?” he ejaculates “Nobody is going to be shot!  These people are going to be tried and put in prison.  We don’t shoot spammers, or anybody for that matter.  And did you just use the word ejaculate?”  He has risen effortlessly from his chair, his muscular frame briefly cast in sharp relief against his linen shirt. “I don’t think you can use that word in this context.”

Ejaculate: to exclaim something suddenly.  It’s perfectly suited to the situation.  I saw you do it, I heard you do it.  It was wonderful.

“You are still talking about the spam aren’t you?”  He asks swallowing nervously, his brow furrowing as he attempts to control his rising desire.

Well I do have more to talk about if that is all you want to do.  For instance, I’m sure that cooperating with the Chinese military to raid the server farm in China, where these websites were hosted, was very exciting and that the raid itself was dangerous, and that there were many “unfortunate” casualties.

Shaking his head he begins to correct me gently but firmly “No, Loren, we don’t handle things that way any more.  These days we can do it all electronically, from the comfort of our office in Chicago.”  My free hand wanders over his as he talks, and he hesitantly pulls away.  So there were no casualties?  “No, thankfully” he says, licking his lips dryly “Not one single life was lost.”

And what exactly was the subject matter of these spam, and their associated websites? “Prescription drugs, weight loss and male enhancement pills” he explains, struggling to recite them without stumbling over the last item.  He blushes slightly, revealing once again his mounting desire.  “I really need a drink of water” he says looking around, having completely forgotten the glass of water on the table in front of him.  “Oh, yes” he says taking a huge gulp and spilling onto his shirt which sticks to his obviously shaven chest.  “OK, I think this interview is over.  I really have to go.” And struggling against his raging libido, like a man possessed, he makes his way to the door and leaves. “STOP IT” he protests, the truth of my words making his exit all the more painful and difficult.

Aw, and we were having so much fun.