by Loren Jersey
It seems just yesterday I was going to have to eat my words. It was as if those nutty BH9ers had actually accomplished something. They even sent me a letter praising the network and, well why don’t you read it yourself:
Today we ushered in a new era of television as we beheld the season premiere of “90210” the next chapter in the Beverly Hills 90210 saga. What a glorious country we live in! Oh, and to think that we were partly responsible for this, it’s like creating life! It’s the single most important acccomplishment of our lives! And to think that you didn’t believe in us. Oh, yes, we could tell. You laughed at us during the interview, and we knew that you didn’t think all this was worth anything more to you than the story, which by the way was full of errors! Our first petition was signed by 13 people, not 18. HA! well, anyway, it looks like we have the last laugh. No hard feelings! If you want to write a story about our victory, give me a call!
Yes, things looked pretty grim, that is until Wednesday. That’s when Fred, our editor, informed me that the Internet was “abuzz” with rumors of “90210” being canceled. In fact, he said that Stupidopolis was getting more Google hits for “90210 canceled” than any other phrase. With that in mind I gave my dear friend Vince a call.
There really is only one proper way to tear someone down, and that is to wait until he is perilously high, even if that means helping him up onto his perch. So I waited and I listened to all of his vain rhetoric. “We did it!” He said “We pushed and pushed, and Hollywood broke down and gave us what we wanted. Do you know what this means?” He paused, I thought to catch his breath, but then I realized he was waiting for a response. I told him that I didn’t. “We are gods!” He whispered. “We now have the power to control. what. gets. put. on. te-le-vi-sion” He said it just like that, all dramatic.
I asked if he thought the other BH9ers around the world also contributed to this success. “I’m sure it’s not just our BH9 chapter which gets the credit, though we were the only one to remain active the entire time.” he replied “The other BH9 chapters probably helped a bit.”
Curious as to how deep this fantasy had become I asked him what he and his fellow BH9ers planned to do with all this new-found power. “I’m so glad you asked that,” he said “cuz we are going to start writing the show!”
“We already got like two whole episodes written out, and like 8 more drafts. We even have some ideas about crossovers with the cast from the original show. Those are totally awesome!”
He must have talked for 15 minutes about his ideas for the show, and I must admit I didn’t listen to any of the rest of it.
I had endured enough, and he was as high as he was going to get. It was time. He had had his moment at the top, and now he must fall. Going straight for the jugular I asked if he had read the article about Australia’s channel 10 having pulled the absolutely unwatchable “90210” from it’s lineup after only 4 dismal episodes. I added that with any luck the rest of the world will follow suit. The faint buzz of the telephone was all I heard for a good long while. Then I heard some yelling in the background. I gathered that by now he was on the Internet reading the article. “No, this can’t be right” He said in a voice that almost made me pity him. “I have to go,” he said finally, having regained some of his composure. “We have work to do.” And then he hung up. I tried calling him back today, but he isn’t answering.