After 35 years of collecting data on the universe, Dr Carl Schmutzenheimer has concluded that the universe suffers from a severe learning disability. “These numbers should be way higher.” Explains Carl. “A universe of this age should be able to learn and retain information much better than this.” When asked how he arrived at a standard with a statistical sample of one, he pointed out that his computer model has taken that fact into consideration and his data supports his hypothesis.
Speculation concerning the cause of the disability has led astrophysicists to examine the Big Bang more closely for clues. “It is possible that a prolonged constriction of the initial energy in the Big Bang could have retarded the universe’s crucial early development.” Proposes Dr Schmutzenheimer. “a delay of even 1 nanosecond could have had severely debilitating effects.”
The repercussions of this theory are widespread, and could be used to explain many as yet mysterious or misunderstood phenomena. “I finally understand the key to the marriage of Quantum mechanics and Gravity.” Says Dr. Madhur Sharbananta, “The universe is retarded.”