by Loren Jersey
In a concerted effort to curb crime in inner-city schools, the government is rolling out a new education program with gritty real-life messages delivered in a no-nonsense manner by some refreshing new mascots.
“McGruff the crime dog just can’t reach the kids these days,” says Owen MacPherson, head of marketing research at Obsidian, a consulting firm hired by the Secretary of Education, Margaret Spellings to update these programs. “They don’t relate to him anymore than they relate to Smokey the Bear, or Hooty the Owl.” Owen’s team spent 9 months and nearly $700 million to update these programs, replacing the old mascots with fresh new faces. “We needed to address these issues frankly,” Owen continued, “in real politically incorrect terms; terms that these kids can relate to.”
When asked her opinion on the results of the research, Secretary Spellings had this to say “The messages are clear and I think [the new mascots] will finally bring an end to many of our most horrible crimes.”
The initial program involves the introduction of three new mascots specifically designed to combat drug abuse, gun violence and sex crimes. Television spots will begin airing this week, and an aggressive internet launch is underway.
Pokey the ‘don’t do drugs’ Syringe says “Shooting up may make you feel good, but it makes me real sad.” Pokey stresses his beneficial use for the dissemination of medication and drawing of blood, but frowns upon his being made to abuse drugs for recreational purposes. He also warns that he can transmit deadly diseases if he is not handled properly and by professionals. “I don’t want to give you AIDS, so don’t share me with your loser friends!”
Shooty the ‘Don’t Murder’ Bullet says “Don’t make me kill people.” Shooty stresses his strength as a crime deterrent when used properly, but warns that he has a wild temper and could end up hurting or killing loved ones. “Don’t point me at your mommy, or I’ll kill her! And I don’t want to kill any more nice people.”
Pinchy the ‘don’t rape me’ anus says “Raping me can tear my delicate insides and spread diseases like hepatitis and AIDS!” Pinchy stresses that he functions best as an exit only, and that abusing him can only lead to complications. “If I continue to be abused I could completely prolapse. And then my insides will be hanging on the outside, and that is gross.”
Two of the mascots left on the cutting floor were Stabby the ‘Don’t kill people’ Knife, and Trippy the ‘Don’t huff’ Paint Can. “We reserve the creative rights for these characters,” snapped Owen, snatching up the portfolio. “So if they are not used by the Secretary of Education, we have other interested parties.”
Detractors denounce this effort as too much money for too little too late. Specifically, Dr. Ronald Spencer of the National Association of Child Psychologists says that “This is another example of tax dollars being wasted, and in a most disgusting fashion. Do they really think this type of information dispersal can replace solid family structure, discipline and education?” Dr. Spencer has written a 95 page article entitled “Synaptic Response to Conflicting Stimuli Under Stress and the Development of Moral Dichotomy in Children or Protecting Children from the Onslaught of Poor Government Substitutes for Good Parenting: Why The New Department of Education Program Mascots Are the most Ineffectual Waste of the Taxpayers’ Money in the Last 30 Years”, in which he agrees that while we can no longer expect parents to teach their children such simple things as “don’t play with guns” and “don’t do drugs”, we could at least TRY to reach them through a role model, like a sports icon or a pop singer. “But this [new program] is incredibly insensitive,” Concludes Dr. Spencer. “These are serious crimes, and these mascots make light of it in a most tasteless fashion.”
Regardless of the opinions of Dr. Spencer and his ilk, the new program is being rolled out. Expect to see the TV spots begin airing this week, and don’t be surprised to see mascot merchandise in stores in time for Christmas.