Universe Destroyed, Doesn’t Realize It Yet

by Loren Jersey

So says Dr Phillip Melanchthon, professor of High Energy Nuclear Physics at Uppsala University in Stockholm, Sweden. “It is just as I have predicted.” He continued “The experiment at the Large Hadron Collider has caused a chain reaction which destroyed the entire universe.” 

When asked why it appears as though nothing has changed, he simply shrugged it off as an “afterglow”, and said it was akin to “a chicken running around after its head is cut off.”

“The universe is of course a much bigger chicken” said Dr. Melanchthon, “so these ghosts as I have called them will last quite a bit longer before the residual image collapses.” 

Dr. Melanchthon was reluctant to provide an estimate on the amount of time we have before we finally fade out, citing possible unknown dark matter and the physical size of the universe.  “We will all gradually fade as the afterglow dissipates, but rest assured we are dead.” He stated quite firmly. “Our atoms have been squashed into a singularity from which not even light can escape.”

Despite Dr. Melanchthon’s assertions, life at the university, and the world, goes on without an apparent hitch.  His colleagues have been spending an inordinate amount of time either trying to disprove Dr. Melanchthon’s theory, or generating scathing high energy particle physics limericks involving his name.

 “Phil’s just mad because he lost the bet, and he owes the department.” Said Dr. Joseph Schiller, one of Dr. Melanchthon’s colleagues.  “If we can’t prove he’s wrong, or force him to give up this nonsense, we’ll never get our donuts.”