(Brought to you by those who brought you “The True Story of ‘Christmas'”.) (The authors of which have been acquitted of almost all charges brought against them arising from that manuscript, though they are still going to hell, we just have to figure out how to fit them into a “hand-basket”.)
(Just for reference, the English do have a fourth of July. It comes before the fifth of July and just after the third of July. They just ‘celebrate’ it with the same spoken “humph” sound they use to celebrate every other day. (Though occasionally there’s a little talk of those ‘twits’ in the ‘States’ (who don’t know how to spell colour) and a small invasion rumor.))
A couple years ago there were these beings called the British. They were an evil Gnome-like race that existed only in history books. They were not related to any type of being known today, especially not the English (see article on James Bond in previous newsletter).These British creatures were putting tacks in the American Colonists’ Tea. Apparently that was before Pepsi was invented, but it was also before color was invented and even before MTV was invented. (They lived a very bland existence, and since tea is so bland, it was important to them.) Naturally, having tacks in the tea made it very difficult to drink. Unlike today’s ‘soft drinks that can eat metal (or the inside of your stomach). Apparently that was even before Coke was invented, or at least before New Coke was invented. (Did I mention they lived a very bland existence?)
Somebody’s grandfather said “Hey, I want to be ruled by fat, bloated pigs in a place called Washington, DC, not somebody with a British accent.” So they dumped some tea in the ocean, drew-up some paperwork, invented lawyers, moved ‘prosperity’ to Japan and China as quickly as possible, and the rest is history (though with the quality of education, just believe what you read here (and see on MTV) and go back to playing video games.) (The tea-dumping was also the beginning of a very effective environmental policy.)
Naturally, it would have been extremely impractical to give everyone in the United States equal rights and protection under the law immediately, so blacks, women, Hispanics, Asians, homosexuals, the working class, and a couple others had to wait a couple years. But now, everything is just peachy.
To commemorate the anniversary of the signing of the document, and to help people remember when the hell it was, thousands of Americans are rushed to emergency rooms at this time every year because someone “accidentally” fired a ‘bottle rocket’ up his nose or blew off a minor appendage with a small but patriotic explosive.
Also to commemorate the anniversary, when people swim at public beaches they often have to be taken to the hospital because they have some of those tacks stuck in them, though nowa-days the tacks almost resemble syringes, needles, and other medical waste.
Published: July 4th, 1996
Copyright: Graphete, a division of ASMA, which is a division of Graffitti Ink, which is a subsidiary of Graffitti’llStompOnYerHeadUntilYerEyesPopOutYouStupid- PileOfFreshFertilizer Incorporated Corporation, which is a division of Graphete Intergalactic SPG, which is a division of ASMA
The authors take not credit nor blame for any personal or public injuries resulting from the observance of this manuscript. All responsibility for the ideas expressed or implied in this manuscript rests upon the reader. (Go sue yourself. Leave us alone!)
No portion of this manuscript may be reproduced without the above copyright data and the following info:
[Sorry, the info that was here was deleted to save space, track down the original if you want to see it.]